The Toilet Battles

A couple of weeks ago, I entered the bathroom to find something absolutely wonderful. It only took nineteen years of marriage, but I nearly did a happy dance right there before the porcelain throne: Without me around, my husband had installed the toilet paper roll properly — over, not under. I won! I won! I thought.

Okay, fine. I’m petty.

But thinking about our discussions of over/under, I realized I was onto something bigger. That’s not the only disagreement that couples have regarding the bathroom. This is definitely a crunchy/juicy topic worthy of a Deep-Fried Friday: The Toilet Battles.

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Down or Up. This is the age-old argument of whether the seat should be placed down or left up after a man uses a toilet. We ladies who have indeed shuffled into the bathroom bleary-eyed at 4:00 a.m. to use the potty and found ourselves falling toward the toilet water like Alice into the rabbit hole recognize that there is fabulous argument for, “Put the dang seat down, buddy!” Men may argue that women should leave the seat up after they use the toilet to return the favor.

Personally, I think if everyone puts the seat and the lid down, then both of you have to do something post-potty. In my house, too, that keeps the cats from drinking the toilet water — which isn’t bad for them, but kind of ick. Toddlers are also notorious for playing in the potty if you leave it open; thus, the child safety toilet locks.

(The left one is correct.)

Over or Under. This is the issue I seemingly won; however, my husband claimed that the way that particular holder is hung on the wall requires an over approach. He remains an ardent supporter of the under method of toilet paper roll installation. (Duly noted, dear, but this is my blog, and I still say I won.)

I simply cannot understand the Underlings’ position here. So you actually think it’s better to reach back and under to unravel the roll and then have the rotating momentum spill the toilet paper all over the floor, thus requiring additional time and trouble to re-roll the toilet paper — knowing it never goes back on the roll like it came?

We Overlords have discovered that installing the roll with the paper over allows one to easily choose one, two, or twenty squares of toilet paper and keep the roll neat. If you doubt the superiority of our position, we have all of the swank hotel housekeepers to support us! They install that roll over and present the TP with the flourish of a folded triangle. You can’t do that with an under, can you?

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Folded or Wadded. A folder unrolls the toilet paper and folds it neatly before wiping. A wadder unravels the toilet paper and wads it up to wipe. At a church couples event, someone noted that every married couple will have a folder and a wadder.

This seemed like a preposterous notion. Since we had quite a few couples in the room, we tested the theory. Husbands and wives shared their methods of TP usage, and sure enough every single couple had a wadder and a folder!

I don’t know whether anybody has conducted a research project to confirm this oddity across the larger population. But perhaps we need to know. If you have two wadders or two folders, are they more likely to divorce? Does it indicate that you don’t complement each other in some deeper way? Should that be a question added to the internet dating sites for compatibility?

I don’t know, but my husband and I are happily married. Why he bothers to fold, however, I haven’t a clue, and I definitely think wadding is the superior way to use one’s toilet paper and one’s time.

Don’t come in?

Alone or Together. Some people simply cannot relieve themselves with anyone in the room. Everything plugs up and nothing moves. Even the jiggle of the doorknob on the other side may cause your body to tense and tighten from the fear that someone might walk in and disturb your much-needed alone time.

Others don’t know what the big stinkin’ deal is. If you’re married to someone and you’ve seen it all anyway, what’s the worry? Besides, these are normal body functions. We all do it. Most people had no problems going in front of an audience when they were potty-training. They were happy to have parents clapping at their newfound ability to land waste in the toilet as if they had landed the winning basket at an NBA championship.

What’s interesting is when these two types get together. One doesn’t mind an audience, the other nearly wets himself thinking about it (which is ironic, don’t you think?). What is a couple to do?

Now someday my husband and I hope to build a house. We want to customize some aspects of our home. In our current location, I have enjoyed having his-and-hers sinks and his-and-hers closets. One missing component, though, is his-and-hers toilets! If you want the Toilet Battles to cease, give each his/her own porcelain throne. Be the king or queen of your own potty domain and determine the laws accordingly.

So what are the toilet battles in your house? Who’s winning? Do you have any tips on coming to a truce?