10 Things I’ll Never Get Asked to Do (But Wish I Would)

Welcome to Scarlet Thread Sunday, the day I pull out a thread of something I’ve learned in the labyrinth of life. Today, I’m sharing things I wish I would get asked to do, and I hope you’ll share yours in the comments!

1. Smack the gavel in the House of Representatives. I don’t know why, but that big gavel looks like it would feel cool-powerful in my hands. The challenge would be fighting against the temptation to whack some sense into a few politicians in that chamber.

2. Sing the national anthem at a championship sporting event. I’m not talking local T-ball finals. I’m thinking Kentucky Derby, Indy 500, Super Bowl, the World Series, etc. I’m not the best singer ever, but since Roseanne Barr got to do it, how high can the standard be? If asked to belt out this pride-of-the-States song, I promise to get my voice in shape and give it my all.

Roseanne Barr singing national anthem

3. Travel to space. Even after seeing the presentation at Johnson Space Center several times about what living in space is like (and wondering how I could possibly pee into a vacuum and sleep while zipped in a bag Velcroed to the wall), I want to go to space. I blame Star Trek. Next time they need a 40-something mother of two with an arthritic knee, and the ability to perform no scientific experiments but to write something interesting about the experience, I’m in.

4. Smooch on the “Kiss-Cam.” I’ve been to several Houston Astros baseball games, and they have that “kiss-cam” that goes around focusing on a couple and waiting until they notice they’re being watched and deliver up a decent smooch. Not once has that lens alighted on me and the hubby! C’mon, I can give an entertaining kiss!

5. Be a contestant on Dancing with the Stars. Yes, I realize that I don’t qualify because I’m not a “star.” But I grew up watching Gene Kelly movies and wanting to dance like Cyd Charise. Since I’m married to a marvelous man who’s had four knee surgeries (and I won’t discuss his sense of rhythm here), I’m not likely to get in a lot of ballroom dancing in my world.  If DWTS would just give me a chance, I bet I could get Len Goodman to (eventually) give me a 10.

Donny Osmond & partner in DWTS

6. Name a line of lipstick or nail polish. Whose job is that? I sort of envy those who labelled stuff like Pink in the Limo lipstick and Austin-tatious Turquoise nail polish.

Lipstick color - Pink in the Limo
Lancome Pink in the Limo
Nail polish color - Austin-tatious Turquoise
Opi Austin-tatious Turquoise

Given how much I love words, I could come up with some good ones–maybe Serendipity Spice or Rambunctious Red. Or perhaps I could use book titles for the hues–like Wuthering Heights Wine, Lord of the Rings Lilac, Canterbury Tales Coral, and–of course–Scarlet Letter Red. So Revlon, Maybelline, whoever, call me up!

7. Be a Bond girl. At this point, that would require several layers of Spanx, a botox treatment or two, and a team of cosmetic and fashion experts. But I promise to do my own stunts and deliver my lines with sass. Moreover, I have a few ideas for my name. For example, how about Candy Craven? (Got a sweet tooth, Bond?)

8. DJ my kid’s prom. It’s the ultimate way to embarrass my kids, right? But also, I have a wide array of musical taste and could put together a great jam. Plus, I’d use the mic to get everyone moving and grooving. Electric slide, anyone?

9. Be a slogan writer for the Bayard/Lamb 2016 campaign. I came up with Foxie with Moxie last time. I’m sure I could work up something worthwhile to help us finally get a pair in the White House.

Kristen Lamb and Piper Bayard
VP candidate Kristen Lamb and Prez candidate Piper Bayard

10. Write a grammar column. Okay, I know I’m not Mignon Fogarty (Grammar Girl). But anyone who has come to this blog much knows that I love words and punctuation and grammar and etymology and language. It could even be a “word of the week” feature with some of my favorites like kench and hairitude.

So that’s my list! Now onto more serious business.

ROW80 Update

  • Read 8 fiction books. I hit 10 books this week, finishing up The Darkening by Myndi Shafer and listening to the audio book of My Sister Lives on the Mantelpiece by Annabel Pitcher (read by David Tennant).
  • Read one craft book: Writing Young Adult Fiction for Dummies by Deborah Halverson. Only read more chapter. I’m a little behind on this goal.
  • Visit and comment on ROW80 blogs as a Round 2 sponsor. Done.
  • Finish writing GOOD & GUILTY, YA mysteryDone.
  • Complete round of edits of GOOD & GUILTY SHARING HUNTER. I’m about 1/4 through what’s essentially a rewrite/slasher movie sort of edit.
  • Write one short storyDone.
  • Edit two short stories–one needs a final polish, the other a full edit. Not yet.
  • Prepare for and attend DFW Conference in MayDone.
  • Prepare for and attend Immersion Master Class with Margie Lawson in June. The countdown is here. My main preparation is finishing the edit of Sharing Hunter.

How was your week? And what things would you like to be asked to do? (But you probably never will.)