If Calvin Tweeted

Today is Amazing Words Wednesday, when we enter the labyrinth of language, get lost for a while, and see what we can discover. After last week’s mournful post on the Boston Bombing and National Poetry Month, I felt like we needed a pick-me-up today.

So here’s another entry in my If ___ Tweeted series, which features quotes from authors, statesman, and anyone else I find interesting. We are looking today at what we might find if Calvin Tweeted.

“John Calvin?” you ask.


“President Calvin Coolidge?”


“Calvin Klein?”



As in Calvin and Hobbes.

Calvin and Hobbes header

Because I think there is a lot of insight in that little fictional character’s head. Here are 25 tweet-sized quotes from the most precocious six year old I’ve ever known, all cited from the comic books my children own.

  1. The end of summer is always hard on me…trying to cram in all the goofing off I’ve been meaning to do.
  2. I’m not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
  3. I try to make television-watching a complete forfeiture of experience.
  4. I’m related to people I don’t relate to.
  5. I don’t want to pay any dues in life. I want to be a one-in-a-million, overnight success!
  6. People don’t realize what a burden it is being a genius like me.
  7. Everyone wants to know what the future holds, but you just have to wait ’til it happens.
  8. Comic books aren’t just escapist fantasy. They’re sophisticated social critiques.Calvin (comic books strip)
  9. People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.
  10. I thought my life would seem more interesting with a musical score and a laugh track.
  11. I quit doing homework. Homework is bad for my self-esteem.
  12. And just six precious hours before bed to forget everything I learned today.
    Calvin (6 precious hours strip)
  13. I say a day without denial is a day you’ve got to face.
  14. It’s clear I’ll never have a career in sports until I learn to suppress my survival instinct.
  15. They say winning isn’t everything, and I’ve decided to take their word for it.
  16. A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.Calvin (rudeness/drama strip)
  17. I’ve got more brains than I know what to do with.
  18. If you can’t win by reason, go for volume.
  19. In my opinion, we don’t devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.
  20. It’s hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.
  21. Any idiot can be famous. I figure I’m more the legendary type.
  22. I like maxims that don’t encourage behavior modification.
  23. There’s an inverse relationship between how good something is for you, and how much fun it is.
  24. I’ve got plenty of common sense! I just choose to ignore it.
  25. I’m not a vegetarian! I’m a dessertarian.

And with teenagers in my house (who have a few things in common with precocious six year olds), I can relate to this one from Calvin’s dad: “Being a parent is wanting to hug and strangle your kid at the same time.”

Calvin's dad strip

Are you a Calvin and Hobbes fan? What is your favorite Calvin tweet from the list? Do you get inspiration from other comic strips? If so, which one(s)?

Sources: The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes; The Days Are Just Packed; Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons; The Essential Calvin and Hobbes; Weirdos from Another Planet!; and Something Under the Bed Is Drooling–all by Bill Watterson

Our Calvin and Hobbes collection
Our Calvin and Hobbes collection