10 Things I’ll Never Get Asked to Do (But Wish I Would)

Welcome to Scarlet Thread Sunday, the day I pull out a thread of something I’ve learned in the labyrinth of life. Today, I’m sharing things I wish I would get asked to do, and I hope you’ll share yours in the comments!

1. Smack the gavel in the House of Representatives. I don’t know why, but that big gavel looks like it would feel cool-powerful in my hands. The challenge would be fighting against the temptation to whack some sense into a few politicians in that chamber.

2. Sing the national anthem at a championship sporting event. I’m not talking local T-ball finals. I’m thinking Kentucky Derby, Indy 500, Super Bowl, the World Series, etc. I’m not the best singer ever, but since Roseanne Barr got to do it, how high can the standard be? If asked to belt out this pride-of-the-States song, I promise to get my voice in shape and give it my all.

Roseanne Barr singing national anthem

3. Travel to space. Even after seeing the presentation at Johnson Space Center several times about what living in space is like (and wondering how I could possibly pee into a vacuum and sleep while zipped in a bag Velcroed to the wall), I want to go to space. I blame Star Trek. Next time they need a 40-something mother of two with an arthritic knee, and the ability to perform no scientific experiments but to write something interesting about the experience, I’m in.

4. Smooch on the “Kiss-Cam.” I’ve been to several Houston Astros baseball games, and they have that “kiss-cam” that goes around focusing on a couple and waiting until they notice they’re being watched and deliver up a decent smooch. Not once has that lens alighted on me and the hubby! C’mon, I can give an entertaining kiss!

5. Be a contestant on Dancing with the Stars. Yes, I realize that I don’t qualify because I’m not a “star.” But I grew up watching Gene Kelly movies and wanting to dance like Cyd Charise. Since I’m married to a marvelous man who’s had four knee surgeries (and I won’t discuss his sense of rhythm here), I’m not likely to get in a lot of ballroom dancing in my world.  If DWTS would just give me a chance, I bet I could get Len Goodman to (eventually) give me a 10.

Donny Osmond & partner in DWTS

6. Name a line of lipstick or nail polish. Whose job is that? I sort of envy those who labelled stuff like Pink in the Limo lipstick and Austin-tatious Turquoise nail polish.

Lipstick color - Pink in the Limo
Lancome Pink in the Limo
Nail polish color - Austin-tatious Turquoise
Opi Austin-tatious Turquoise

Given how much I love words, I could come up with some good ones–maybe Serendipity Spice or Rambunctious Red. Or perhaps I could use book titles for the hues–like Wuthering Heights Wine, Lord of the Rings Lilac, Canterbury Tales Coral, and–of course–Scarlet Letter Red. So Revlon, Maybelline, whoever, call me up!

7. Be a Bond girl. At this point, that would require several layers of Spanx, a botox treatment or two, and a team of cosmetic and fashion experts. But I promise to do my own stunts and deliver my lines with sass. Moreover, I have a few ideas for my name. For example, how about Candy Craven? (Got a sweet tooth, Bond?)

8. DJ my kid’s prom. It’s the ultimate way to embarrass my kids, right? But also, I have a wide array of musical taste and could put together a great jam. Plus, I’d use the mic to get everyone moving and grooving. Electric slide, anyone?

9. Be a slogan writer for the Bayard/Lamb 2016 campaign. I came up with Foxie with Moxie last time. I’m sure I could work up something worthwhile to help us finally get a pair in the White House.

Kristen Lamb and Piper Bayard
VP candidate Kristen Lamb and Prez candidate Piper Bayard

10. Write a grammar column. Okay, I know I’m not Mignon Fogarty (Grammar Girl). But anyone who has come to this blog much knows that I love words and punctuation and grammar and etymology and language. It could even be a “word of the week” feature with some of my favorites like kench and hairitude.

So that’s my list! Now onto more serious business.

ROW80 Update

  • Read 8 fiction books. I hit 10 books this week, finishing up The Darkening by Myndi Shafer and listening to the audio book of My Sister Lives on the Mantelpiece by Annabel Pitcher (read by David Tennant).
  • Read one craft book: Writing Young Adult Fiction for Dummies by Deborah Halverson. Only read more chapter. I’m a little behind on this goal.
  • Visit and comment on ROW80 blogs as a Round 2 sponsor. Done.
  • Finish writing GOOD & GUILTY, YA mysteryDone.
  • Complete round of edits of GOOD & GUILTY SHARING HUNTER. I’m about 1/4 through what’s essentially a rewrite/slasher movie sort of edit.
  • Write one short storyDone.
  • Edit two short stories–one needs a final polish, the other a full edit. Not yet.
  • Prepare for and attend DFW Conference in MayDone.
  • Prepare for and attend Immersion Master Class with Margie Lawson in June. The countdown is here. My main preparation is finishing the edit of Sharing Hunter.

How was your week? And what things would you like to be asked to do? (But you probably never will.)

40 thoughts on “10 Things I’ll Never Get Asked to Do (But Wish I Would)

  1. Can you be any busier? I can’t believe the goals you’re accomplished! 🙂

    I love your list. I’m not sure what I would want to be asked to do. I’m asked to do too many things already, but none of them are fun. LOL

    1. I FEEL like such a slacker, Lauralynn, because I still have SO MUCH to do!!! But I guess I am getting lots done. Thanks!

      You need to get some fun things going in your life! Hope you have a fun week. 🙂

  2. I love your list, Julie! I’m with you on numbers 2, 3, 5, 6 and 7 (unfortunately number 7 would have to include some nips and tucks and a WHOLE lot of spackle. LOL!) Love it.

  3. What a hoot! I love your list, and I love even more that being our slogan writer is on it. For what it’s worth, I have not given up the dream, and you are definitely the slogan writer when the Bayard political star starts to rise.

    And as for being a “Bond girl”? You must be referring to the ones in the movies, because in real life, “Bond girls” look like you and me. Something else I learned from Holmes. 🙂

    Those are some great names for colors, too. I wouldn’t write that one off too soon. If some Revlon marketing exec reads this blog, you’re a shoe-in for the job.

    1. Sah-weet! I was even thinking today about possible straightforward slogans like, “A new kind of politician…one who doesn’t cheat” or “We don’t think we’re better than you! (Or at least not by much.)” They need work before the primary. 😉

      Thanks, Piper! (I mean…prez.)

  4. I so want to travel to space and be on DWTS — if I could have Val or Maks for a partner, that is. 😉

    1. Just be ready with your space trip. When you get on that space station, you are definitely not in Kansas anymore. Thanks! Have a great week.

  5. You have a beautiful voice, Julie. Those teams should be knocking on your door. I like your pitch for space travel, lol. Dancing with the Stars, that would be pretty cool. I’d die of embarrassment walking out on stage in one of their costumes though. 🙂 You better start preparing your grammar column, it’s only a matter of time.

    You’re rocking this round, Julie. I’m so proud of you. I hope you keeping rolling through the edits, have a great week. I’ll check in with you later on twitter.

    1. Aw, how sweet about my voice! As for DWTS, I’m pretty sure the costume department would get frustrated with me because I’d be like, “NO! NO! Put some of that fabric BACK ON.” I’m okay with embarrassing my kids somewhat, but having Mama’s tucchus hanging out of a sequin outfit rises to the level of humiliating. Not going there. LOL.

      I’ll see you on Twitter too! Have a terrific week!

    1. I seriously could do stuff like that all day. It’s silly, but I can sit around and think, “Ooh, ooh! How about Great Gatsby Gold? Persuasion Pink?” (Maybe this is why my MS hasn’t gotten its full round of edits yet. LOL.) Thanks, Alica!

  6. Your list made me grin. Things I’d like to be asked to do: 1) Ride in a helicopter. 2) Go on a date with Dwayne Johnson. 3) Be the first American to time travel and write about it. (The surprise would be on them. I wouldn’t come back!) 4) Write Clint Eastwood’s biography. (and have him like what I did) 5) Write a film role for Matthew McConaughey. 6) Tour the Galveston lighthouse. (It’s privately owned, and they don’t have tours right now). 7) Tour the Baker Hotel in Mineral Wells, TX 8) Have something I wrote adapted for cinema or TV. 9) Spend a day at the East Texas Blue Hole. (privately owned) 10) Be Quentin Tarantino’s shadow as he plans and makes a film.

    1. I LOVE your list, Catie! Riding in an open cockpit plane (or at least a small plane) is on my life list, but helicopter would be cool too. I hope #8 really happens to you. It should. Thanks for sharing!

  7. You would make a cute Bond girl! And you already have an amazing words column! I think it would be cool to say “Drivers, start your engines” at a NASCAR race. Or if I hit the lottery, donate enough $$ to my alma matter so they’ll name the art building after me that was built when I was there, and is still called simply “Art Building.”

    1. Thanks so much, Jennette! Saying that line at NASCAR would be so cool. I’m not even a racing fan, and I can just imagine how awesome that would be! And the building SHOULD be named for you. I don’t know who this Art guy thinks he is, but his name is way too confusing to go on that building. 😉

  8. Not specific to the House of Representatives…but who doesn’t want to smack a gavel? “Order! Order in the courtroom!” Always wanted to do that. Fun post!

    1. Maybe the House of Representatives could raise some money to combat the deficit by letting citizens pay something like $5 each for the privilege. This could work in courts around the country too. 🙂

      I bet you’d be a great gavel-smacker!

  9. I love this, Julie! Great picks. I think you’d make a FABULOUS Bond girl, as is. 🙂

    I’ll probably never get asked to sing before a crowd of ten zillion with a fantastic band to back me up, but man, that’d be fun—especially if my Amish Erotics backup dancers (of WANA party fame) shared the stage.

    1. How sweet! My hubby says the same thing. (But he’s kind of paid to, you know. 😉 )

      Let me know when your tour goes on the road, so I can grab my bonnet and feather boa and take my backup dancer spot! 🙂

  10. I’ll join you on 1, 3 and 7. What is it about gavels? They are so appealing. 🙂

    Have an awesome week and may your dreams come true…

    1. I think we have enough volunteers now to put together our own space crew. Woo-hoo! Get ready, space, the writers are coming!!! 🙂

      Thanks, Cate!

        1. Definitely no Tribbles… my friend has one (small dog) and they are cute but um… quite the handful.

  11. Fun post, Julie! Maybe (and it’s stretching it) i could have been a Bond girl thirty + years ago or BC (before child).
    Hmm how about Indie driver, part of an Olympic tobaggan team, or participate in a deep sea treasure hunt. yeah they sound good. 🙂

    1. Clearly, they need to make a mature Bond film and hire us all! We’d make awesome Bond girls.

      I love your list! The deep sea treasure hunt in particular. Thanks, Donna!

    1. Coleen, I spent WAY too long last time picking out my nail polish at the salon last time (for my every-now-and-then pedi). I got caught up looking at all of the cool names instead of just the colors. LOL.

      Maybe we could team up and name a nail polish line!

  12. First off, you have a beautiful voice, so you should totally sing the anthem at a sports game! I love the Bond girl idea! You already know my Bond girl name from Oscar season – it’s Cinema. I’ll be the bad Bond girl if you want and you can kick my butt.

    What else would I want to do? Travel around with a circus and work with elephants, own my own island, win The Amazing Race with my brother, Jim, and marry Harrison Ford circa Indiana Jones years, but I’d do it now too.

  13. Oh dear sweet Julie – don’t ever give up on your dreams. First of all, you don’t have to be a star to be on Dancing With the Stars. I mean really, who has ever heard of ALL of those contestants in any one given season? Um, like no one. Really, that bachelor dude? Is he a star? I think not.

    And you could soooo be a Bond Girl. Candy Craven is a star just waiting to be discovered, spanx or no spanx. You go girl!

    If I ever get into the make-up business, you’re the first person I’m calling. I love your product name suggestions.

    So, there you go. You’re a star in my book any day of the week and I haven’t even talked about the space thing yet.

    Patricia Rickrode
    w/a Jansen Schmidt

  14. When I read your post’s title, the first response I had matched one of yours. I will never, ever be asked to sing the National Anthem–for any venue. LOL

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