The Toilet Battles

A couple of weeks ago, I entered the bathroom to find something absolutely wonderful. It only took nineteen years of marriage, but I nearly did a happy dance right there before the porcelain throne: Without me around, my husband had installed the toilet paper roll properly — over, not under. I won! I won! I thought.

Okay, fine. I’m petty.

But thinking about our discussions of over/under, I realized I was onto something bigger. That’s not the only disagreement that couples have regarding the bathroom. This is definitely a crunchy/juicy topic worthy of a Deep-Fried Friday: The Toilet Battles.

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Down or Up. This is the age-old argument of whether the seat should be placed down or left up after a man uses a toilet. We ladies who have indeed shuffled into the bathroom bleary-eyed at 4:00 a.m. to use the potty and found ourselves falling toward the toilet water like Alice into the rabbit hole recognize that there is fabulous argument for, “Put the dang seat down, buddy!” Men may argue that women should leave the seat up after they use the toilet to return the favor.

Personally, I think if everyone puts the seat and the lid down, then both of you have to do something post-potty. In my house, too, that keeps the cats from drinking the toilet water — which isn’t bad for them, but kind of ick. Toddlers are also notorious for playing in the potty if you leave it open; thus, the child safety toilet locks.

(The left one is correct.)

Over or Under. This is the issue I seemingly won; however, my husband claimed that the way that particular holder is hung on the wall requires an over approach. He remains an ardent supporter of the under method of toilet paper roll installation. (Duly noted, dear, but this is my blog, and I still say I won.)

I simply cannot understand the Underlings’ position here. So you actually think it’s better to reach back and under to unravel the roll and then have the rotating momentum spill the toilet paper all over the floor, thus requiring additional time and trouble to re-roll the toilet paper — knowing it never goes back on the roll like it came?

We Overlords have discovered that installing the roll with the paper over allows one to easily choose one, two, or twenty squares of toilet paper and keep the roll neat. If you doubt the superiority of our position, we have all of the swank hotel housekeepers to support us! They install that roll over and present the TP with the flourish of a folded triangle. You can’t do that with an under, can you?

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Folded or Wadded. A folder unrolls the toilet paper and folds it neatly before wiping. A wadder unravels the toilet paper and wads it up to wipe. At a church couples event, someone noted that every married couple will have a folder and a wadder.

This seemed like a preposterous notion. Since we had quite a few couples in the room, we tested the theory. Husbands and wives shared their methods of TP usage, and sure enough every single couple had a wadder and a folder!

I don’t know whether anybody has conducted a research project to confirm this oddity across the larger population. But perhaps we need to know. If you have two wadders or two folders, are they more likely to divorce? Does it indicate that you don’t complement each other in some deeper way? Should that be a question added to the internet dating sites for compatibility?

I don’t know, but my husband and I are happily married. Why he bothers to fold, however, I haven’t a clue, and I definitely think wadding is the superior way to use one’s toilet paper and one’s time.

Don’t come in?

Alone or Together. Some people simply cannot relieve themselves with anyone in the room. Everything plugs up and nothing moves. Even the jiggle of the doorknob on the other side may cause your body to tense and tighten from the fear that someone might walk in and disturb your much-needed alone time.

Others don’t know what the big stinkin’ deal is. If you’re married to someone and you’ve seen it all anyway, what’s the worry? Besides, these are normal body functions. We all do it. Most people had no problems going in front of an audience when they were potty-training. They were happy to have parents clapping at their newfound ability to land waste in the toilet as if they had landed the winning basket at an NBA championship.

What’s interesting is when these two types get together. One doesn’t mind an audience, the other nearly wets himself thinking about it (which is ironic, don’t you think?). What is a couple to do?

Now someday my husband and I hope to build a house. We want to customize some aspects of our home. In our current location, I have enjoyed having his-and-hers sinks and his-and-hers closets. One missing component, though, is his-and-hers toilets! If you want the Toilet Battles to cease, give each his/her own porcelain throne. Be the king or queen of your own potty domain and determine the laws accordingly.

So what are the toilet battles in your house? Who’s winning? Do you have any tips on coming to a truce?

19 thoughts on “The Toilet Battles

  1. I agree with absolutely everything that you said here. EVERYTHING. And another point on the side of the Overlords – I don’t like how the toilet paper touches the wall when it’s placed the other way. That just seems kind of icky to me.

      1. Meant to mention a pet peeve – most women I know just grab the toilet paper and rip, frequently making a jagged tear, instead of tearing at the perforations. What’s so difficult about that?

  2. OMG Stellar post! STELLAR!!!!!
    Here is the real truth of the matter for us.
    Down or Up – always down. Hubby never even questioned it. God bless him.
    Over or Under. To be honest, it never mattered to me. I would grab a roll and affix it to the device with no care or notice either way. Hubby does not believe me however which is insane. He’s a HUGE over person (nice arguments BTW, if I was an under, I think you would have converted me) so since he prefers over and it doesn’t matter to me, it’s OVER all the way!
    Folded or Wadded. I wad and I have NO idea what hubby does but I am totally going to ask him tonight! LOL!! I really don’t get folded?!?!?!
    Alone or Together – We can do number 1 together but for number 2, we both like our privacy. LOL! Although I suspect hubby wouldn’t have an issue going number 2 if I was in the room while everything in my arsenal would pucker and freeze! LOL!!
    Luved this post!!!!!

    1. Thanks so much, Natalie! Of course, if the battles become too intense, I know that you have the skills to go outside. LOL! We really don’t battle much in our home either; it’s more like guerilla tactics to convince my hubby that over is better.

  3. LOL! I’m sort of blah about the over/under debate, to be honest. I don’t even pay attention when I change the roll. One day it’s over. One day it’s under. I’m cool either way. Though I do think it goes over most often. Hmmm. *scratches chin*

    Though I do INSIST on the seat and lid going down (but I have toddlers in the house, it’s a necessary precaution). My husband usually complies, except when it comes to the master bath. I often have to check the seat there (and that’s the dangerous middle of the night situation there 🙂 ).

    I’m a folder, just out of habit, but I’ll have to ask my husband if he wads (<–that sounds weird).

    And alone or together, we both prefer alone. Though that's a luxury I don't get that often any more (see aforementioned note about toddlers 🙂 ).

    Funny post!

  4. OMG, this is such an LOL post! OVER overrules in this house! But my husband does put the paper under sometimes. He totally doesn’t care. I’m OK with this because I’m just glad he actually replaced the roll – something that rarely happens around here if I don’t do it. DD is worse – she’ll actually leave the roll sitting on the side of the tub rather than replace it at all – arrrrggghhh! But this folders/wadders thing has me stymied. You mean people actually fold their TP before using it??? I had to ask DH. We’ve been happily married for 18 years, yet… he’s a wadder, too. So much for that theory. LOL

    1. Thanks, Jennette. If it’s a question of over, under, or none at all, sure, I’ll go with either of the first two! Enjoy the wadding. I think you’re right.

  5. Can’t believe I’ve found a couple of women who actually see the fairness of putting both the seat and the lid down. I hope it’s not just because of small children. Every woman I know think it should be in the position most convenient for her – seat down – so the men do all the moving. As you said, Julie, if we put both the seat and the lid down, all parties do their share. Bravo. And YES to OVER.

    1. I agree with you totally. I think if everyone puts it all down, then you both have something to do when you arrive (lift whichever part suits you) and when you leave (put it all back down). Fair to all!

      And another Overlord! Welcome to the club, David!

  6. This is hilarious and awesome! I used to think that over or under didn’t matter. Until I put the TP under and accidently pulled half the roll onto the floor. You are completely right. Over is correct. I now see the error of my ways. But, I am quite shocked to find out that you are a wadder. I would have guessed that men were the wadders because, yuck. I can’t imagine all the little holes where anything could creep through the wadding. Folding is definitely the cleaner approach. But then again, I get some of my best reading done in the bathroom, just like my dad!

  7. I’m late to the party but I freaking LOVE this post!! This is fabulous.

    Thankfully, hubby and I have the exact same bathroom habits…except for one: I don’t have any problem being a community pee-er, but he doesn’t want to hear or see me on the toilet, not matter what I’m up to. It’s hilarious to me.

    In the interest of keeping it sexy, our bathroom doors always remain closed. 🙂

  8. well I prefer under and cannot see where you get this spill onto the floor – are US holders different from ours? never a problem. Def a wadder how would folding work:(

    but as to the seat forget who does what – the facts of the matter are that if the cover is up when the flush is used urine/fecal matter in minute particles are sprayed into the air, quite a distance, for no other reasons put that seat and cover down all of you!!!!!

    1. Bless you, Alberta, for doing such an amazing job explaining why EVERYONE should put the lid and cover down. Why, of course!

      How much different could a toilet paper holder be? I’ll have to research the British approach to toilet tissue.

  9. You have done a fabulous job of turning an every battle into a hilarious post. But I’m not duking this out with just my husband anymore. My son is now one to contend with. Ugh! And that spill onto the floor! My daughter is guilty as well! Oh my. It is now three against one. They’ve taken bathroom wars to a whole new level!

    That wad and fold thing is kind of funny. I wonder if there’s anything to it?

    1. Thanks, Debra! Indeed, the kids are often the worst offenders of toilet manners in the home! If you figure out the wad/fold thing, let me know. I should commission a study.

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