As promised on Wednesday, I welcome Presidential Candidate Piper Bayard and her capable Vice-Presidential Pal Kristen Lamb to Deep-Fried Friday. Believe me when I say that their ideas have been beer-battered, fried for just the right length of time, and are juicy to the last bite. I’m sure you’ll find their campaign platform to be the political feast you’ve been waiting for.
Thanks, Piper and Kristen, for coming by on your worldwide blog tour. I’m so excited to interview you today. Let’s start with a question that’s particularly pertinent since the “Super Committee” should have those S’s ripped off their blue unitards about now.
In recent years, many special committees have been formed to tackle specific issues – such as military base closure and deficit reduction. What do you think about forming departments, committees, commissions, and other special groups to handle executive or legislative duties?
Committees are nothing but a game of political Hide the Pickle. It’s a way of delegating things so that the “leader” never has to take responsibility for decisions. It’s the mark of incompetence.
Committees are grossly ineffective and are used to mask the fact that the leader is doing nothing. The saying “put together by a committee” is derogatory for a reason. Congressional committees do not come up with solutions, they come up with the legislative equivalent of Frankenstein. We’ll call it Frankenslation.
If we have to have a committee for any reason, we will lock them in a room and feed them nothing but MRE’s until they have finished their work. That way, they have to trade their M&M’s for Chicken A La King like the rest of us until they can show that they’ve earned something better.
What criteria would you use to nominate judges to the courts?
We’ll start with an EEG to make sure that the candidates actually have brain function. Then, we will check to see if they know the law and understand that it is the judge’s job to interpret laws that are passed by the legislature, and not to create law from the bench. Whenever judges create law from the bench, we will call in the Dog Whisperer to train them in pack behavior. We won’t reward them by letting them back in the courtroom until they are in a calm, submissive state and accept their relationship to the law and to the legislature.
How can we best develop and use our military around the world? What tasks should our armed forces take on?
As Piper stated in her original announcement, America is Simba the Lion. It is not Pumbaa the warthog’s cousin. In our administration, America will not pretend to be less than she is to bolster the self-esteem of countries that have not earned self-esteem on their own.
Our armed forces are for the protection of America and American interests. Under our administration, we will not deploy our troops and then tie their hands. We will allow our military leaders to fight any necessary wars as efficiently as possible with the approach that a fast knife to the jugular is far less destructive in the long run than bleeding out the enemy and the American coffers with a gut shots.
Do you have plans to curb the influence of special interests on governmental decision-making?
We have only one special interest, and that is the well being of the American people. If a special interest group would like to lobby us, it needs a transparent agenda simple enough to be understood on Facebook. No shady doublespeak between pages of legalese, and no monetary transfers. If they can get enough “likes” and prove enough people care about their agenda, we’ll pay attention to them. We’re here to serve the American people, and not the special interests.
Will communication and transparency be important to your administration? If so, how will you ensure them?
An administration is like a family. Some things are public, and some things are private, and it is appropriate that they be so.
There’s a difference between transparency, authenticity, and stupidity. We’re all about being authentic and transparent, but if the end result is to put American freedoms and safety in jeopardy, then it’s up to us, as leaders, to determine that and act accordingly.
Illegal immigration has been discussed at length in recent years. What comprehensive changes would you make to our immigration system and how would you deal with illegal aliens?
Unlike other administrations, we plan to enforce the immigration laws of this country, and we will start by cracking down on the employers of illegal aliens. Some big agricultural employers actively recruit illegal immigrants with promises of easy work, good pay, and beautiful living conditions, only to have them discover they are as much as enslaved and living in trash once they get here. That isn’t fair to them or to the honest Americans who need jobs.
It is illegal to enter this country without permission, just as it is illegal to enter anyone else’s country without permission, too. In so many countries around the world, illegal immigrants are shot on sight or jailed until Al Gore can come rescue them. We would not be that cruel. We would simply see that the laws that exist are enforced. It’s just common sense. You break the law; you get in trouble. You don’t win the location lottery.
If the laws need to be changed or interpreted differently, we will lock the appropriate Congressional committee in with their MRE’s, or, if necessary, we will send the matter to the judiciary as soon as the Dog Whisperer has them in a calm, submissive state.
Who is your favorite foreign leader and why?
Winston Churchill. He had serious cajones, and he was a brilliant speaker.
(Julie’s note: Winston Churchill also appeared twice in my post on The Perfect Comeback. Clearly, Piper and Kristen are able to deliver choice comebacks as well.)
How does your spouse or significant other feel about being First Gentleman? Or is it First Man? First Guy? First Dude?
They would like to be called First Mates. It has more military appeal, and it’s more comforting to them than being introduced as our First Husbands.
What will you wear to the inaugural ball?
Since it’s going to be a live, online tailgate barbecue party with America, we’re thinking flannel-lined jeans with some Patriot Panties underneath to maintain our shape after the pulled pork and pecan pie.
I toured the White House in 1993 when President Clinton was in office, and that place was glitzy and gaudy when I saw it. Any plans to redecorate?
We don’t believe any redecorating will be necessary as it’s rumored that Hillary Clinton took all that stuff with her when she left. We heard in that same rumor that we will be needing some new plates and silver, though, and that the rugs will need a good scrubbing.
Our deepest thanks to Julie Glover for inviting us to her blog for a campaign rally interview. We are honored to be here, and we’ve had a great time.
If you would like to host the Foxie with Moxie Duo (thank you, Julie, for that motto), please email piper at email@example.com and set up a date. We would love to visit your blog. Help bring back some sanity to our nation.
Bayard/Lamb 2012 – Finally. A Pair in the White House.
Readers, I’m sure you agree that we need this pair in the house – the sooner, the better. for more information about their campaign, click HERE. Also be sure to check out Piper and Kristen’s campaign slogans HERE.
What other questions do you have for Piper and Kristen? Are you ready to cast your ballot for Bayard-Lamb 2012?